Help a girl out with fixed gear idiocy :)?

Practice practice practice. The track stand is just a balance trick. I've seen people practice with one hand on the top of the front wheel. The braking, locking the rear wheel thing, you have to learn to jump the bike. When you ride you should have the toe straps tightened, and then you have to stand up and pull up with the legs and arms in one motion so the rear wheel comes off the ground then lock the legs so when it lands the rear wheel skids to a stop. Sounds crazy but it works. On a road bike I can jump the bike over a hole maybe 12 inches wide. It's easier when you can coast and prepare. I've seen guys jump sideways up a curb. Crazy. The drive line has to be straight. Check it with a straight edge. Also it will be loud if the chain is worn out. Change the chain every 700 to 1000 miles based upon how hard you ride and if you clean and lube it (or not). When I put a new chain on my bike, it sounds like it's brand new, and shifts like it too. I ride about 4000 miles a year, so I go through 4 or 5 chains a year. It's a huge difference.Have fun!