A couple of paragraphs of my first draft. What do you think?

What you've written can be improved with a few rewrites but don't worry about that now. Continue with your story and once it is finished return and do the first of a several rewrites you'll need. By that time you'll be looking at the story with fresh eyes and improving it will be easy. The key here is to finish the story. Don't worry about every sentence and paragraph being perfect along the way. You'll have plenty of opporunity for that later.